


you're like heavy sunshine

by rensshi



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Celebrity, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Excessive Drinking, Fluff, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Minor Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Wen Jun Hui | Jun, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-05-12 03:44:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19220887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rensshi/pseuds/rensshi
Summary: Seokmin is a good kid, stayed within their given boundaries despite his tendency to find himself swept along in Soonyoung’s current of dumb decisions back when they were younger. Everyone knows that bands aren't forever, but the music is. And Lee Seokmin himself? He might as well be forever to Soonyoung.





	you're like heavy sunshine

**Author's Note:**

> for clarity's sake > andromeda's band members and positions:  
> seokmin as main vocalist  
> soonyoung as lead vocalist and keyboardist (because he's always wanted to play the piano T_T)  
> joshua as rhythm guitarist and vocals  
> jeonghan as bass guitarist and vocals  
> jihoon as drummer and vocals
> 
> basically they all sing. 
> 
> fic playlist [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0MpdSmKaZ5KDI9W7Z2E3N6?si=zMxGTeI3Qu29yJGZuDvybw) for this pop-rock band soonseok no one but me is indulging in i don't know why i did this to myself.
> 
> warnings: mild bouts of situational depression, very light angst

Contrary to what little of his already existing fansites before debut are named after, Soonyoung worries a lot. It’s nice having people already think you a bright burning star before you officially get to perform your debut song on M Countdown though. Maybe the fact is that he’s scared people will see him for who he is—inexperienced and too naive to know what they’re really singing about when they sing about love. God forbid they be called fake when all they prided themselves on was the music.

“Have you ever been in love, hyung?” Soonyoung asks Jeonghan somewhere around their third day recording Andromeda’s first mini album.

“Why? Have you?” Jeonghan asks instead, a simpering smile curving upwards. Jeonghan’s got his hair tied back into a loose pony today so it won’t fall into his face later when he’s playing the bass. It’s due for a trim for the MV filming.

“No, of course not.”

“Then me neither.”

"But you've liked someone, right? Someone in school?" Jeonghan pushes.

"Well yeah," Soonyoung affirms.

"Then don't worry," Jeonghan says, patting his knee.

He asks Seokmin next.

“Me? Uhhh”— Seokmin says, clearly unsure of what to say. “Remember when we trying to come up with lyrics, and I told you about this girl in my class who is really pretty? I can _believe_ I’m in love if I picture myself serenading her when we record,” Seokmin explains.

“So, no then,” Soonyoung concludes for him, picking up one of the electric rhythm guitars in the studio, Jisoo’s favorite one, and absently plucking at the strings.

“I’ve thought that way of her since, middle school. I think that counts as a first love,” Seokmin says, his tone contemplative and he looks upward at the ceiling in thought so his eyes are shiny.

“So do you have pics of her or what?” Soonyoung asks, his mouth curling up.

This is the first time he's heard anything like this from Seokmin. Soonyoung doesn’t talk to him either very much about the girls in his school that he finds pretty, despite how inseparable they are. They had been ever since Seokmin and him had gotten lost together around the neighborhoods in Itaewon as trainees, with only so much spare change in their pockets to ride a bus back to the dorms. Soonyoung had tried to buy a beer and they got chased out of the store.

Soonyoung preens when Seokmin shows him Yuju’s picture. “I should have known you’d have a type. She’s sooo cute,” Soonyoung says, peering at her profile photo on KakaoTalk.

 

 

 

They’re a band, technically aren't idols, even if they're surrounded by them in music shows. Soonyoung and Jisoo smoking in public would get them a bigger scolding from their manager than baseless rumors linking them to girls whom netizens don’t even have photos of. So Jisoo doesn’t think too hard about exchanging numbers with an idol from the company’s Chinese label, and the idols who Jihoon hung out with in his free time got more attention from netizens at first. 

But Seokmin? Seokmin is a good kid, stayed within their given boundaries despite his tendency to find himself swept along in Soonyoung’s current of dumb decisions back when they were younger. He steals glances out of the corner of his eye while Soonyoung writes things in his flimsy notebook while he's sitting at the keyboard and synths in the studio, but never picks it up and reads without permission. The total opposite of Soonyoung, who used to snake his arms around Seokmin's waist to peek over his shoulder while he texted Yuju about something boring and mundane like homework, and Seokmin would whine and scramble out of his arms.

But things change and you never pigeonhole people. Not even people like Seokmin, whom Soonyoung walks in on one day, trying to choose the best spot to sneak in one more cigarette that day, only to find Seokmin kissing a labelmate in the fire escape stairwell of the company building.

“Does Jeonghan hyung know?” Soonyoung whispers in Seokmin’s ear later when they’re at rehearsals for a music show, an easy arm around Seokmin’s shoulder.

Seokmin’s cheeks get even redder, and he nods. “Yeah. Jeonghan’s cool with it. Super cool. Like, chill.”

“Great,” Soonyoung nods like a bobblehead.

“I am sooo sorry you had to see that, though,” Seokmin babbles.

“Nah, don’t worry about it. You two make a hot couple.” He’s being sincere—Eunwoo is cute, has had a crush on Seokmin since forever (just after she got over Kim Mingyu leaving Pledis when he was still training) and the idea of Seokmin as someone clearly kissable now seems to make him hot, by theory.

Seokmin balks when Soonyoung wiggles his eyebrows at him. “Also, enjoy it while it lasts,” Soonyoung feels the need to say. He squeezes the back of Seokmin’s warm neck, and his shoulders lose their tension a bit.

Seokmin laughs at him, high-pitched and strangled. “Easy for you to say when you spooked us,” he whines, angling his head away when Soonyoung puckers up his lips and tries to smooch his cheek. Seokmin squawks and gets scolded by their manager for making such a fuss from Soonyoung planting a big wet kiss on his neck.

It’s a welcome short break for a few days when Soonyoung goes back to his hometown in Gyeonggi-do after their promotions for their fourth comeback end. He manages to meet up with his girlfriend, one of his old classmates from his high school whom he found extremely attractive. The self-deprecating part of him still feels that she started dating him because of Andromeda’s rapidly rising fame. Not that it bothers him all that much; his mind blissfully blanks out when she presses herself flush against him behind the storage shed in her backyard.

That kind of stuff—plush wet lips pressed into his skin too long, heated soft laughter against his ear, being able to finally revel in the taste of her mouth—those were things Soonyoung could form into lyrics he’ll probably never show anyone for another three years or something. The breakup though? When she ended it months later after calling Soonyoung selfish and Soonyoung had told her how hypocritical she was? He turns that into something, penning down the words and touching the keys, letting the notes hang in the air and breathe themselves into the beginnings of a song. He calls it irony when this song wins them their first music trophy. Jeonghan calls it reality. 

 

 

 

For the first time in what feels like forever, Soonyoung gets a call from his father. His dad brings up this kid from their hometown who, like Soonyoung, moved to Seoul to pursue his dream of stardom. His name doesn’t ring any bells in Soonyoung’s head, but he knows the idol survival show he’s competing on at the moment when his father tells him about it.

“Are you healthy?” His dad asks.

“I just have a sore throat. Other than that, I’m just peachy.” The pain when he swallows is terrible. He hates tonsillitis. He’s resting in the dorm, and even before he got sick it was one of those weeks where he’s literally got nothing to do, besides check the fancafe, go to the gym (only if Jihoon goes too) and tag along on set to support Jeonghan and Seokmin’s new stint on an episode of a variety show.

“Take care of yourself. Your mother hasn’t stopped showing her friends your pictures ever since you won that music trophy,” his dad sighs. There’s a rustling of plastic heard on the line, and a beep of the microwave.

“Oh nooo, dad,” Soonyoung complains. “My crying face is everywhere now!”

“I thought Seokmin was the—what’s that called—the _meme_?”

Soonyoung grins, doesn’t hold back a little cackle.

“By the way, do you ever think about going back to school?” His father asks after a moment’s hesitation.

“I think about it,” Soonyoung says slowly. “I _do_ think about plans after fame, dad,” he says, letting a childish whine seep through.

“It isn’t a wish,” his father says, gentle and low.

It isn’t. His father means well, always does. But he doesn’t have to know that what used to be a clear path ahead of Soonyoung, is gone whenever Soonyoung closes his eyes to sleep.

Tonight he lays in bed, going through old Facebook profiles from an old private account no one knows he’s still active on. Swipes through old friends’ profile photos, biting his lip at the ones where he’s in them. He was a chubby kid growing up, right until he started losing the weight in his school dance club. He thumbs through family albums that he’s never really taken a good look at before until his vision goes blurry, black at the edges when he presses the heel of his palm to stop the wet burning in his eyes. The image of his grandparents on their anniversary this year still remains under his eyelids.

“Who do you want to be when you grow up, Soonyoung?” His grandmother had asked once, so many years go, taking his smaller hands into her delicate palms.

Five-year-old Soonyoung didn’t answer an astronaut, or a rock star or singer.

“I want to be like grandpa,” he’d whispered proudly, sneaking a glance over at his grandpa bent over at his desk with his reading glasses on, going over blueprints for the house renovations they were doing then.

“You want to build houses too?”

“No…” Soonyoung had said, trying to form the words, absently smoothing down the stringy hair of his older sister’s Barbie doll in his stubby hands. “I want to be loved. Grandpa is loved by us, by everyone.”

Soonyoung doesn’t remember shit about this now. His grandma just liked to tell the story every Chuseok, up until his trainee days, and it made his ears burn red every time and she’d pinch them.

 

 

 

The irony of wanting to be loved is that it’s so ingrained in the human psyche that it feels like a need, a feverish ache that becomes bone-deep the older people get. Soonyoung’s past girlfriends always knew better, always saw Soonyoung for who he really was. They didn't always like what they saw, but how could Soonyoung blame them? He spends his life chasing a light he’d always wanted that he’d bury away parts of himself that didn’t fit the ideal narrative of what he wanted his hypothetical future autobiography to look like.

Soonyoung dimly berates himself for being unbearably self-centered thinking about his hypothetical autobiography and its potential titles when he’s supposed to be having fun.

Right here, in this club at Gangnam, only five cocktail shots in and again, Jihoon’s left his side to stay plastered next to Jeonghan at the table because they're all danced out.

Seokmin is drunk already and slurring in his speech, which makes Soonyoung pout like a child because how dare he drinks faster than Soonyoung. He needs to be drunker than this to (probably) go over to that hot girl in the burgundy little dress sitting sipping her drink in the booth by the bar. Or that guy eyeing him at the other end? Seokmin is _already_ wasted, latching onto his shoulder and going off about this guy who had asked him for a selca in the bathroom earlier before offering to give Seokmin a blowjob.

Wait. What.

“A what with _who?_ ” Soonyoung sputters, feeling his blood rise.

“Jiwon? Something? I don’t remember, I think he’s an actor? Mostly did web dramas,” Seokmin yells back at him.

“You could ask Shua hyung.”

“Ask me what?” Jisoo appears behind them, looking bored, if not preoccupied, like he’d rather be anywhere else but here, still nursing the drink that Soonyoung had ordered for him earlier purely for its name.

“But Shua doesn’t watch those either, plus Junhui-sshi is _Chinese_ ,” Seokmin tells Soonyoung. Jisoo frowns at Soonyoung and him at the mention of Junhui’s name, and Soonyoung tries to make the connection between Wen Junhui and what Jisoo doesn’t do.

“Please tell me you didn’t let him blow you,” Soonyoung begs, clutching Seokmin’s wrist desperately. A hookup packaged with a selca meant no good at all. They actually have to be a lot more careful now.

“No. What do you take me for?” Seokmin brings a hand to his chest, offended. “Anyway, the blowjob was like his last cupcake without a cherry-on-top proposition when I turned down his offer of a threesome with him and his lady friend. Or with him and you, if I was more comfortable doing it with someone I trust. Can you believe that guy?” Seokmin laughs humorless, strangled and flustered.

In response to that, Jisoo desperately, _finally_ downs the rest of his Screaming Orgasm all in one go, and Soonyoung spits out his own drink, coughing. It leaves wet marks on Seokmin’s nice dress shirt and the front of his leather pants.

 

 

 

Soonyoung and Seokmin have disagreements more than they have actual arguments. Like in their Chile stop of their first world tour, they’re bickering over something inconsequential, both loose-tongued and buzzed from the early birthday celebration that they throw for Soonyoung.

The alcohol gets Seokmin to give in quicker than usual, and their little argument reaches a ceasefire when Soonyoung feels his chest drop as Seokmin’s expression turns somber. 

“I’ll make it up to you,” Seokmin says, after they’ve both laughed out the stupidity of the situation, eyes turning into crescents. “Whatcha want for your birthday, hyung?”

Soonyoung lets the band of his necklace fall from his mouth, stops chewing absently on the silicon material of it. The silver key pendant hits his collarbone. He dimly realizes he never got any obligatory birthday kisses on his cheeks from the others earlier during the vlive. Seokmin would do it now if he asked.

“Happy early birthday, hyung,” Seokmin says again, unnecessarily loud like they aren’t the only ones in the room.

Soonyoung bows his head to let him quickly kiss the crown of Soonyoung’s hair. He stills in surprise when Soonyoung tilts his head up, and brushes his lips clumsily in a quick peck at Seokmin’s jaw. “Thanks, Seoku. Love you,” Soonyoung mumbles lazily.

They’re so close he can hear Seokmin gulp and there’s a terrible stirring in Soonyoung, unbidden and dark that keeps him there, nose pressed into Seokmin’s thin shirt, forehead resting on his shoulder. Seokmin wrapping an arm around his back is what grounds him from wanting more physical contact, needing it.

“Am I your favorite?” Soonyoung asks.

“Favorite what?”

Favorite hyung, is what Soonyoung means to say. He mutters instead, “Never mind.”

“Hey, don’t be like that,” Seokmin complains, jostling him a little. “Favorite hyung?”

“How d’you know?”

“I’m a genius. And sometimes you’re just kind of—predictable,” Seokmin tells him, prying Soonyoung off of him.

“What do you expect when I share all my secrets with you, Grandpa,” Soonyoung says, already grinning as he’s building up a joke in his head.  

Seokmin moves forward with his hands outstretched to cup Soonyoung’s face—to gently pinch his cheeks like he used to do a lot when Soonyoung had way more baby fat. Soonyoung scrunches his face up and reflexively raises his hands up to Seokmin’s face, does the exact same to him. Jihoon used to roll his eyes at them whenever they both tried to one up each other like this and Jeonghan would watch, arms folded in on himself, slumped back on whatever couch he could claim like he was watching a movie before he’d fall asleep.

“Hey, do you remember that time you got drunk after your breakup with Yubin? And you were crying about not ever getting butterfly kisses?” Soonyoung asks, mouth curving up into a devilish grin.

Seokmin lets go of his face like he’s been burned, and Soonyoung reels over from the sudden movement. “What? When did—Oh.” He closes his eyes and winces when the memory comes back to him. “Yeah why?”

“Why did you get dumped again?”

“It was a _mutual_ dumping. It—just wasn’t working,” Seokmin says, his expression going pensive. “The other times before that though, I was just too nice for them.”

“Psh. Their loss. I’d date you for your brilliant mind, you. And not just for your heart of gold,” Soonyoung says promptly, feels a warm fuzzy tickling in his gut like summer spilling even when Seokmin makes a faux expression of disgust.

“I could do it,” is what Soonyoung adds. Seokmin blinks, letting his hands rest on Soonyoung’s shoulders now.

“Huh?”

“I’ll give you a butterfly kiss, right now,” Soonyoung suggests so casually he’s surprised he hasn’t cracked yet with laughter. Seokmin just blinks at him.

Soonyoung is pretty sure his lashes don’t even have the length to do it but he tries anyway after Seokmin agrees _._ Seokmin’s eyelashes brush against his lids, and his breath hitches when Soonyoung pulls him into a gentle hug, and the gnawing feeling in his gut that he gets every time he watches Seokmin sing from afar rises up to his chest, makes his heart do a weird thump. Soonyoung forgets about this as soon as Seokmin starts giggling when Soonyoung’s lashes tickle his cheek. His nose bumps painfully against Soonyoung's, and he moves back with an _ow_. It takes them a full three seconds of staring at each other while Soonyoung rubs his nose, until they erupt into howls of laughter.

 

 

 

"Top of the morning to you," Jeonghan tells Soonyoung belatedly halfway through brunch at the hotel next morning, eyes half-lidded and searching. "You're preoccupied. What happened last night when Seokmin came over?"

Across the table, Jihoon looks up from his phone, pulls out an earplug.

"He read me a bedtime story, hyung. And it ended up being the best sleep of my life," Soonyoung jokes humorlessly, too focused on spreading the butter on his pancakes evenly. He pretends to not see the way Jeonghan and Jihoon exchange a look. Instead, Soonyoung pushes the bowl of maple syrup towards Jeonghan, who pours too much onto his pancakes by accident and swears. They end up sharing the plate. 

"I'm thinking about you know, when we move into our new dorm when we get back home," Jeonghan says. "In the meantime, I've thought of who gets to share. In case one of you doesn't get the single room, can you room with Seokmin?"

Soonyoung taking a second too long to answer is a mistake; Jeonghan's smirk grows when Soonyoung coughs, and answers with a quick, "Sure, why the hell not?"

Jihoon just keeps rubbing his chin in thought, adjusts his hoodie over his head so it doesn't fall. "That's exactly how Seokmin reacted when I asked him about room assignments for the new dorm earlier."

"I feel like I've been a victim here for something I didn't do, but because it is brunch, I'm not going to complain," Soonyoung says, viciously stabbing a piece of pancake with his fork. Brunch is his favorite meal of the day, if not the midnight meals.

"Never mind, I've changed my mind. The honeymoon stage that you two kids are in need to fizzle out at some point," Jeonghan promptly replies while Soonyoung's thoughts start going a million piles per second in every which way. "I'm trying to decide who'll get the single room."

"You could just flip coins instead of make us do scissor-paper-rock, for Shua's sake," Jihoon suggests. Jisoo for whatever reason, is destined to just lose at scissor-paper-rock.

Soonyoung is too disgruntled about honeymoon stages, flipping coins and bad luck, that he doesn't realize until later on during the rehearsal at the concert venue is the first time Seokmin's looked him in the eye ever since the night before. They mess around with each other doing the dry run, while running from one end of the stage to the other, and everything's fine.

Until Seokmin runs into him as Soonyoung emerges from the restroom, and he yelps in Soonyoung's face, so close that Soonyoung could practically kiss him. Properly kiss him. 

"Shit, hyung," Seokmin sighs, catching his breath. "Fancy running into you here, haha," he tries, eyes crinkling.

 _Why, we're always running into each other, isn't that funny? Maybe it’s fate,_  Soonyoung is supposed to coyly say, play along and wiggle his eyebrows like they always do. Except his life with Seokmin plays out in fast forward in his head: Soonyoung and him roleplaying an old annoying married couple still in the honeymoon stage until they're actually old and gray, them possibly sharing a room together again back home, Soonyoung in torture when he won't be able to jerk one out because Seokmin would be in the room, and he won't be able to stop thinking about Seokmin even with a hand down his own pants. Fuck that.

It's all such a big convoluted mess. A big old mess, that all Soonyoung blurts out is a strangled "We are  _not_ on our honeymoon!" to a wide-eyed, confused Seokmin, and runs.

Spoiler is that they don't end up sharing a room because Seokmin gets the single room to himself in their new dorm. It doesn't change the fact that when Soonyoung feels like he has to jerk off, he'll have to put conscious thought into not thinking about Seokmin. So screw it.

 

 

 

There is a certain year—or maybe couple of years—in Soonyoung’s career where his memories are cloudy. It’s not as sad or awful as it sounds, because in that period they won Best Album at the end of the year, with a nomination for Best Rock Performance. They were also in the lineup for the Gayo Daejun performance in Japan next to idol groups. You hold things like that close knowing the moment felt unattainable and impossibly out of reach for a pop-rock band before it happens. Soonyoung and Jihoon had cried onstage at the awarding, tears still streaming when Jisoo moved forward to give their thank you speech in English.

Between all of that, Soonyoung thinks this is good. Thinks this could be as good as it can get, and the moments of autopilot he experiences isn’t _bad_ , except for that one time he found himself sitting in the back of a cab, only a little drunk but unable to remember exactly how he'd called up a cab in the first place. Soonyoung has a doctor’s appointment lined up in Seoul that the manager doesn’t know about.

They’re on their fourth world tour, looping back to base with the last two stops in the Asia leg, when Jisoo finally brings Soonyoung to a slow stop, like the dull exhale of the sky when rain clouds gather, even though his mind races as Jisoo talks.

“You know, don’t you?” Jisoo says carefully, gauging Soonyoung’s expression. Soonyoung feels his left eye twitch at Jisoo taking on his summer camp counselor voice.

“Know that…?”

Jisoo purses his lips. “You’re a fool, but you’re not dumb. There’s a difference. How long you have thought of Seokmin like that?”

Soonyoung sighs, running a hand through his bangs and looks down from the seventh floor balcony of Jisoo’s shared hotel room with their manager. The summer nights in Taipei were cooler by some degree and he’s grateful for it. They arrived a few days too early at this stop, and had time to kill before the concert. If they hadn’t, Soonyoung wouldn’t be lingering around balconies, his fingers itching for a smoke and he busies himself with scribbling notes down again, words he'll make sense of later. On edge, it’s better for him to hang around Jisoo. They’d quit cigarettes together, and he feels more inclined to stop biting down on his nails or chewing his necklace if it’s Jisoo who tells him to stop.

“A long time. I think I’ve always known,” Soonyoung confesses, and somehow he feels a little bit worse. “And with Seokmin, he always was the wear-your-heart-out-on-your-sleeve kind of person, right? I’ve always thought it was just admiration, and that it’d fade away over time.”

“Huh. You know, with how Seokmin falls in love so easily, we all thought the same,” Jisoo says, shifting in his chair.

“God. I’m spilling my heart out here right now because I didn’t want a Jeonghan conversation.”

If Soonyoung goes to Jeonghan, he’s not sure what he wants to hear coming from someone who Seokmin has welded himself at the hip to even more now. 

“Jeonghan wouldn’t probably be able to really say much. It’s not like...anything is really happening,” Jisoo tells him, the creases between his brows hardening.

“I don’t think anything _can_ happen.”

“And then what? Arbitrary closure?” Jisoo picks up a deck of cards on the little table beside him next to the unused ashtray. He starts shuffling and reshuffling the deck. He and Seokmin were learning magic tricks. They'd gotten the card deck in Toronto.

“You know who really needs closure?” Soonyoung says after a long stretch of contemplative silence between them.

Jisoo narrows his eyes at Soonyoung, who raises his eyebrows at him. “Shut up,” Jisoo says, no hardness in his tone.

“It’s nice that your on and off not-relationship with Junhui-sshi has given us plenty of material for number one hits at the lonely hearts club—”

“You’re welcome,” Jisoo says flatly, clearing his throat in disdain.

“Are you happy?”

Maybe Soonyoung just sees the negatives; Jisoo in the kitchen with Jeonghan and a bunch of empty soju bottles, with a broken voice and red eyes. Jisoo keeping tabs through translated sources from Weibo when things were bad. Slipped out of their hotel room that one time in Shanghai when they’d filmed an MV there. Jisoo is the usually the opposite of reckless abandon embodied, and no one would ever think otherwise even if they see him talking to Junhui like an old friend at the company building during the rare times he isn’t in China filming dramas.

Jisoo smiles, genuine amusement flickering onto his lips before it settles into something sadder, more serious.

“Believe me, sometimes I am. Like not just how you think you’re fine because you’re not unhappy. Sometimes, I’m actually really happy,” Jisoo says so quietly with a soft chuckle that it the night breeze nearly takes it away. The smile when he looks down at his lap is real, tender. Soonyoung feels his own mouth twitch into a gentle smile, despite the ache in his chest and the milky heaviness in his bones feels medicinal and resigned. The tiredness Soonyoung feels, the way he just can't stop _thinking_ at night, and most of all the prolonged current of apathy, feels treacherous to him in the way that it feels like he's done it to himself.

On the streets, the cars honk, and distant laughter from life below float upwards to them.

“Speaking of being happy,” Soonyoung starts, licking his dry lips and turning back to the city view. “I want to leave. I think—I really think that it’s time for me to leave.”

 

 

 

Soonyoung pretends he doesn’t remember having first seen Seokmin in a crowded elevator on the ground floor of Pledis Entertainment. The boy with the choppy short bangs he meets in the practice rooms, he recognized immediately as the boy who nearly had the elevator doors close on him when he slipped in at the last second earlier that morning, bowing shyly and saying thanks to the employee next to him. If Seokmin had turned his head round, they would have made eye contact, and maybe Soonyoung would have offered a small smile just in passing.

He recognized the nervousness in Seokmin’s tucked elbows when he introduces himself to Soonyoung and Jihoon. Soonyoung almost didn’t see the fear from the new kid through Seokmin’s grin, bright and sunny. The white lights of the practice rooms seemed gloomy in comparison to Seokmin smiling.

“Come on, come visit home with me. Jihoon is coming too,” sixteen-year-old Seokmin had proposed to Soonyoung, sprawled on the floor of the practice room while Soonyoung continued to make fake snow angels on the floor next to him.

Seokmin’s parents fawned over him and Jihoon then, the same way they’ll later love Jeonghan and Jisoo too when they found time to visit.

He’d seen Seokmin’s baby pictures too then, and took two pictures with his phone camera for himself: one was a picture of four-year-old Seokmin teary-eyed in his father’s arms cowering away from a tiger mascot, and the other was of Seokmin, a little older, posing with the peace sign in front of a chicken coop at his grandmother’s farm.

He still has those photos on iCloud, part of the few pictures of Seokmin he’d saved before he had to delete every one of Seokmin’s bad candids and their horribly angled selcas together after debut for fear of losing his phone to a crazy fan or something. If Soonyoung’s being honest, he kind of misses the candids, even if Seokmin complains and thinks they’re too ugly to keep saved.

Predictably, Seokmin cries a large patch into his pillow after he hears the news and Jeonghan holds a round-table meeting with all five of them. Soonyoung crawls into bed with Seokmin, something he hasn’t done since their last world tour watching movies together, or when they were younger and sharing a futon on the floor in their old tiny dorm. The thought makes him feel ancient. Time makes him feel like he’s speeding towards nothingness, like a shooting star waiting for itself to burn out when it crash lands onto a planet.

“If you keep crying, you’re going to look like a toad in the morning,” Soonyoung mutters, for lack of better words. He brushes back Seokmin’s hair from his forehead and Seokmin sniffs down the snot.

“If I’m going to look like one, it’s because I’m going to miss you. You tend to take after the people you love, you know?” Seokmin manages to choke on his own shaky laughter when Soonyoung tries to put him into a headlock.

“But you’ll always love me, right Seoku?” Soonyoung says, by way of keeping it as light as possible.

Seokmin mutters something unintelligible. Soonyoung is reminded of 4-year-old Seokmin, crying in a photo under a little bucket hat next to a tiger mascot. He shouldn’t smile given the current circumstances, but he can’t help himself when he does, until Seokmin mumbles a defeated “God, now I wish I didn’t.”

There’s a wave of disappointment so strong that it surprises Soonyoung when it crashes against his insides.

“Hyung?” Seokmin’s eyes are still shiny and wet, when he looks at Soonyoung, frowns at his mouth. Soonyoung’s chewing his necklace band again, nibbling on the silicon and it’s a nervous habit he gained after quitting smoking that cemented his hamster nickname. Seokmin tuts at him, pulls the necklace down but doesn’t tear his eyes away from Soonyoung’s mouth completely. Soonyoung recognizes what this is, but this time he lets himself look, _really_ look at the tear tracks running lines down Seokmin’s skin, moisture clinging onto his lashes, the way his cheekbones had cut smoother and sharper over the years.

If Soonyoung had to describe it, it’d be like this: Seokmin might be a real crier, and he’d look like a toad, the same way that Soonyoung had looked when he cried holding their first ever trophy on Music Bank. The fact that stares at Soonyoung plain in the face, is that Seokmin is the prince both inside and out, deserves to be kissed no matter how much of a toad Seokmin thought he was.

The thought makes Soonyoung’s heart want to jump out of his throat, lodge itself there in a lump that he can barely talk through when he blurts out, “You really did get hotter.”

Seokmin makes a dismissive noise between a chuckle and a flustered splutter. He pulls the blankets up so it covers half his face, his eyes crinkling when he asks “You think I’ll age well, Grandma?”

“Oi Grandpa, you’ll never make me doubt why I married you so many years ago, even when you need to get some new teeth,” Soonyoung trills, putting on his reedy nasal grandma voice.

Seokmin laughs but it sounds hysterical, on the verge of a dry sob. “I hate you, hyung,” he says, raising his voice for the theatrics. But he softens when he mutters, “I’ll miss you.”

Things don’t get handled fast enough; there’s talk going around about Soonyoung’s disappearance from all of Andromeda’s recent activities, and the articles start spiraling, even before everything gets completely settled in the conference room at Pledis.

Still, Soonyoung allows himself to think this one of those little triumphs as he steps out of the dorm with nothing but a backpack, into the dead of the night at 3 AM all covered up in winter clothes. He gets into a rented car that Jeonghan and their manager had helped arrange for him. When he finally settles in, backpack stuffed on top of a carrier luggage already stowed in the trunk earlier, his numb fingers can barely type the message from the cold outside:

 _03:26: hi mom, dad_  
_03:27: i’m coming home. i’ll be safe. see you soon_

The screen blurs over and when he blinks, it’s wet, the tears stinging. For the first time in a long time, he lets himself cry.

 

 

 

NAVER MUSIC INTERVIEWS HOSHI ON SOLO DEBUT  
February 15, 2021

Hoshi’s first solo mini album _Daybreak_ pleases with weavings of electronic pop, and dips into bold synths and dance-heavy rhythms. The album has long been anticipated by fans and charted above the Top 10 on music charts, leaving new listeners energized with what the former pop-rock band member has come up with.

Q: Hoshi-sshi who is back and promoting as a solo artist, please share your thoughts on your solo debut.

A: I worked very hard and tried my best to show more sides of me and want to give everything I’ve got on stage. As promotions are ongoing now, it’s a different feeling—everything is even more fresh and exciting!  

 

Q: What’s the most exciting thing about your debut now?

A: Being able to focus fully on singing and performing with a choreography, definitely! _(laughs)_ Taking up dancing seriously again was something that I never thought I could do years ago, but now that I’m doing it, it’s a wonderful feeling to be able to incorporate that in my performances now.

 

Q: Fans, both old and new, have been pleasantly surprised lately with this change. Did you have your doubts about doing something new?

A: I did, a lot of them. But I surrounded myself with people who have been nothing but supportive and loving. My old friends and family have always known I wanted to perform, and show people what I could do onstage. Even in Andromeda, my members supported me throughout and I’ll forever be grateful.

 

Q: Speaking of, one of the tracks in _Daybreak_ features Woozi, the nation’s favorite drummer boy from Andromeda. Please tell us more about _Deep Blue._

A: Woozi and I have been working together for so long, that when I started writing for _Deep Blue,_ I knew I wanted Woozi to collaborate with me, and not just be featured on it. _Deep Blue_ is a song full of emotion, and a little slower than most of the other tracks on this mini, so I also thought that Woozi’s voice would be perfect for it.

 

Q: You’ve been writing songs for a long time now. Was it difficult preparing for this comeback?

A: It was more difficult to prepare for the stages. But in terms of the music and the songwriting? Not really, to be honest _(laughs)_

 

Q: How would Hoshi like to be remembered?

A: _(A short pause)_ Well firstly, a good performer _(laughs)._ I’d also like to be remembered for my passion. I’ve been told that I have a lot of ambition, and I don’t deny that! But to me, you need passion to make things happen. Maybe it’s a lot to hope for, but if I can give someone the strength to do the things they love through my songs, I’d be happy too.   

 

 

 

When Soonyoung was fourteen, he wrote his first song on his old keyboard in his bedroom. The melody sounded plagiarized off of his favorite anime opening song and it was typically about older kids cutting class for jjigae and the movie theater. He doesn’t get a chance to do any of that when he reaches high school, and school days that he’ll skip will be the days he gets sick overnight after overworking his vocal chords as a trainee.

Cut to Soonyoung, at seventeen years old, when him and Seokmin crowded into Jihoon’s studio (he’d like to claim it as his) at Pledis, swarmed around Jeonghan on the only other chair next to Jisoo on the guitar, like overgrown uncoordinated children around kindergarten teachers. Seokmin wrote a song for Soonyoung that was supposed to be his birthday present for him a month too early. It was silly, like another inside joke between them. They’d sing it together, loud and obnoxious with their arms locked together around the practice rooms and studios until Jihoon tells them to shut up, a drumstick flying past Soonyoung’s ear and hitting the head of Jeonghan’s bass instead, judging by the awful bang and Jeonghan yelping.

That was seven years ago.

Soonyoung writes a song about sunshine, even though he keeps this piece hidden away in the dark, for reasons.

Meanwhile Seokmin's birthday song for Soonyoung actually got fucking rewritten, with Soonyoung’s permission, to be used as the title for DK’s comeback solo. Soonyoung had listened to it with Seokmin in the backseat of his SUV, after he asked Wonwoo to pick Seokmin up near a park in Myeongdeong, and felt like ice had been lobbed at his chest.

“So...?” Seokmin had asked, shifting next to him.

“It sounds a lot better—now that it doesn’t have references to Ultra Rare Yu-Gi-Oh cards,” Soonyoung said, schooling on a slow smile for Seokmin.

“Gotta give the people what they want, you know? Sadly, not everybody wants those Ultra Rare Yu-Gi-Oh cards. Are you okay? You look constipated.”

Seokmin's hair was a warm red, the ends going past the top of his earlobe again compared to how its length was when Soonyoung met up with him and Jeonghan for a quick drink a month ago.

“These lyrics are…” Making him tumble through _feelings_. Kind of depressing, dramatically speaking. Something Wonwoo would cry to alone in the car. “Not what you’d usually write,” Soonyoung ended up saying. “What the hell have you been going through?”

Seokmin laughed nervously. “Would you believe I wrote it in a day? Woozi hyung helped compose it but I guess I just—wanted to try writing something bittersweet.”

The real question that had been on the tip of Soonyoung’s tongue eats away at his insides like termites feasting on a fissure of a wooden table leg.

“I can’t just ask him that,” Soonyoung moans later on in the car to no one but Wonwoo beside him. “You know how much of an asshole I’d sound if I go, _hey Seoku, is the song still about me? Just curious, it wouldn’t be any less great if it was._ ”

Wonwoo blinks, but keeps his eyes straight on the road otherwise as he’s driving. “You haven’t done that already?” He says, which makes Soonyoung gurgle out an irritated subdued noise.  “Sooner or later, you might break,” Wonwoo adds.

Soonyoung sinks down further in the passenger seat. He’s wrinkling his expensive shirt with shimmery material this way, but it’s why his stylist wearily insists that he leaves a couple of coats and jackets lying across the backseat just in case.

“That’s very helpful of you, foreshadowing the results of my self-conflict involving all my friendships. Nice,” Soonyoung grumbles.

Wonwoo snorts and Soonyoung crosses his arms with a grunt. "It probably might not even matter that much to him anymore. Writing a song can kind of be cathartic," Soonyoung explains. "God knows I've dealt through everything that way."

“Or you could just talk to him,” Wonwoo suggests thoughtfully, putting on the blinker for a left turn into their designated street for the afterparty of a fashion show he had attended an hour ago. Soonyoung feels a familiar sense of dread creep in. All he has to do is get through a few hours, pat people on the back, throw his head back and laugh really loudly and people won’t really see through how exhausted he is today, of all days.

When Wonwoo had taken on the job of being Soonyoung’s manager, Soonyoung had thought Wonwoo was younger than he was, looked unimposing and quiet with his round glasses like a student fresh out of undergrad university. Which is probably where Wonwoo would be anyway if he’s not getting paid to squat down to take Soonyoung's photos on request for his public Instagram and Twitter. Now those glasses glint dangerously like an anime villain whenever he pushes them up and gives Soonyoung the Look, the one that makes Soonyoung roll himself out of bed and make a beeline for the bathroom even when he’s hungover and difficult. Soonyoung’s new agency had hired someone who had impeccable memory and probably gets a thrill out of saying the words “I told you so”.

“Can’t you be the bigger person? You’re his hyung,” Wonwoo asks tentatively.

“And if it doesn’t work out?”

Wonwoo sighs, but stays silent. His expression softens into something transparent and gentle, sympathy crossing his features at Soonyong’s misery, and Soonyoung feels grateful that Wonwoo knows when not to push it.

They’ve arrived at the venue, a new club that’s opened about a month ago and Soonyoung eyes the people loitering outside warily through the car window. He jolts out of his thoughts when he feels cloth drop onto his lap, and finds that Wonwoo has reached over and pulled a jacket from the backseat at random for him.

“It’s cold out,” Wonwoo states.

“Thanks,” Soonyoung says, chewing on his lip. He instinctively reaches up to his neckline and realizes that he’s not wearing a necklace tonight.

He doesn’t tell Wonwoo that he’ll consider his advice.

 

 

 

“Hyung? Joshua hyung?” Soonyoung screeches happily, almost sending his drink flying when he pulls Jisoo into a swift hug. “You’re _here_ , not in America! God, that place was starting to make me miserable when I heard how long you were there. Is that real?” Soonyoung points at the silver stud on Jisoo’s left brow, almost reaches out to touch the brow piercing.

Jisoo just laughs, drowned out by the music, and ducks out of Soonyoung’s outstretched hand. “Yes, Soonyoung. It’s real. I missed you too man.”

Soonyoung huffs incredulously. “Jesus, it looks good on you. This is _so_ unfair.”

“Don’t you hate the idea of needles going anywhere on your face?” Jisoo deadpans, looking at him funny.

“I do, still terrifies me. Have you ever considered nipple piercings?” He asks seriously and Jisoo’s smile cracks.

“I feel about that the way you do about facial piercings sooo, _anyway,_ ” Jisoo says, closing his eyes. “You look good too."

"I could use an energy drink mixed with this thing but glad to know I look alive enough," Soonyoung says, raising his drink. He's being honest; he's focused now, more driven than he was before.

"Are you with anyone tonight?” Jisoo asks.

“Nope. I’m all alone.”

Jisoo’s Cheshire cat smile is something Soonyoung hasn’t seen in months. “C’mere, I’m with a few friends,” he says, beckoning Soonyoung to follow him to a table in one corner.

Soonyoung recognizes Vernon, one of the rappers from a boy group from JYP. He honestly hasn’t heard from Vernon ever since the poor guy got dragged into a fight between his members and a solo rapper from YG at a different club. Vernon is just glad he isn’t banned from entering any venues. Xu Minghao, on the other hand, met Jisoo through Junhui, and flew back and forth from XCSS to Pledis to help with choreography for their boy groups.

Before Soonyoung can open his mouth and plunge into a series of questions for Jisoo about how Junhui’s LA visit for Jisoo went, Jisoo beats him to it with a hard punch when he tells Soonyoung “I tried to invite Seokmin here too, but he’s busy with his rehearsals for his musical.”

“Huh,” is all Soonyoung utters, and Jisoo smiles at him.

“When was the last time you saw him?”

“About a month ago. He let me hear his solo. Have you heard his solo?” Soonyoung asks, his voice cracking. “Don’t you think it’s hilarious how the song”—

“Is just a rewritten, more serious version of that song Seokmin wrote on your birthday before we debuted?” Jisoo finishes with a telltale smirk. “Yeah, it’s hard to not hear it these days. His songwriting got so much better.”

“The song fucking put me _through_ it,” Soonyoung admits, his voice stricken. “It’s that good, I’m so proud of him,” he adds belatedly.

“Are you self-projecting?”

“What.”

“We had If I as a B-side, but you weren’t this choked up about that,” Jisoo observes.

“I hate you.”

Jisoo sighs, pinches the bridge of his nose in exasperation. “Seokmin has always been a little scared of everything. Like remember when he’d almost died going through that haunted house alone, and didn’t have the confidence before to call up a girl whose number he’d almost choked on?”

Of course, Soonyoung remembers. Soonyoung remembers because he had been with Jihoon, stuck in that haunted house until they’d decided to follow Seokmin’s screams on televised broadcast as their clue out, and as for the phone number Soonyoung had attempted the Heimlich maneuver on him that one time in their Inkigayo dressing room. 

“I just think that putting out a song this honest has probably been the bravest thing he’s ever done,” Jisoo continues.

Soonyoung swallows, feeling a little out of his own body now. God, he needs more drinks for dealing with the aftermath for what he's about to do.

“What are you doing?” Jisoo’s eyes are wary when Soonyoung takes out his phone.

“I am trying to be the bigger person,” Soonyoung says roughly, tongue between his teeth as opens up his messages, his fingers clumsy and slower than usual.

Jisoo makes a funny noise next to him and tries to lean in to see what Soonyoung is typing but Vernon catches his attention, drags Jisoo back to tell him a joke. By the time, Jisoo tries to talk to Soonyoung, he’s already pocketed his phone, and stalked off to the bar.

Xu Minghao offers to buy him another drink when he finds Soonyoung pouting at the rim of his glass.

“I don’t think I should,” Soonyoung forces himself to say, and Minghao tilts his head, obviously catching on to the regret in his voice.

“Early start tomorrow?” His Korean is accented, slow, but Soonyoung doesn’t mind it, thinks it sounds cute. He makes a mental note in his head to tell Jisoo about this.

“Yep. Between you and me, I’m kind of exhausted,” Soonyoung admits. “Like if I drink anymore, I’ll be in trouble. But this?” Soonyoung lifts his remaining glass still half full that Minghao eyes meaningfully. “No way, I’m finishing this.”

And that is how Soonyoung ends up with his hands groping down the back pockets of Minghao’s five-thousand-yuan designer pants and cupping his tiny ass while Minghao pushes him up against some secluded VIP room of the club on the second floor.

“This place looks shady as hell,” Soonyoung mutters against his jaw, nipping his earlobes and liking how his earrings clink against each other.

“Where else would we do this? In Joshua hyung’s car? Not that it isn’t an option though,” Minghao says and Soonyoung snorts.

“Shua hyung is going to be so mad if we do that. I swear, we’re gonna give him a panic attack.”

Minghao leans back, gives him a calm and composed once over that would make Soonyoung squirm uncomfortably under his steady gaze if it wasn’t for the fact that Minghao has him pinned. He is surprisingly strong for someone whose figure is even more of a lanky beanpole than Jisoo’s.

“I think the car has seen worse things,” Minghao deadpans, his fingers skimming Soonyoung’s chest, sinking down to the smooth skin and the dip in his abs underneath the hem of his shirt.

“How the hell would you know?”

“I’m friends with Junhui, remember? He tends to uh, overshare sometimes.”

Soonyoung winces at the searing image his brain conjures up at that, but then moans into the kiss when Minghao runs his tongue along his, at the same time he manages to fully unbutton Soonyoung’s shirt in deft, delicate movements. Soonyoung is so turned on, if not intimidated, which again, Minghao seems to pick up on.

“I don’t think I can continue past, you know,” Soonyoung says, motioning downwards to their clothed erections between them and swallowing.

“Then we won’t fuck,” Minghao simply says, smiling and Soonyoung exhales sharply in relief. “I heard you when you said you were exhausted.”

“God, you’re so nice. Why are all my friends and _their_ friends so nice?” Soonyoung sighs, and digs his fingers into Minghao’s hips.

There's amusement flickering in Minghao's eyes when Soonyoung pushes aside his long bangs. “You’ve been in situations like this with your friends?”

“No. Almost,” Soonyoung blurts out, one hand reaching to toy with Minghao’s earrings again and when his fingernails graze against the soft skin behind his ear, Minghao shivers. Horny Soonyoung should have taken that as a sign to latch onto there with his mouth, except he’s rambling instead and doesn’t know how to stop. “Sometimes, I think about how things would turn out if I’d accepted that threesome with my best friend. Shit. Did Shua tell you?” Soonyoung says when Minghao freezes in front of him. “I’m kind of an oversharer too.”

Minghao stares for a while before he brings a hand to his mouth, mirth shining in his eyes and Soonyoung bristles at him when Minghao keeps laughing, shoulders shaking even harder.

“Do you actually _want_ a threesome?” Minghao finally manages.

“Is that an offer?”

“What? No, just—just answer the question.”

Soonyoung grimaces at him before mumbling a _no._

“What if your best friend asked?”

“Maybe I’d consider,” Soonyoung says slowly, his face burning with the hellfire of mortification.

Minghao hums, cupping Soonyoung’s face in one hand and leaning in close while Soonyoung circles his arms around his slim waist. “You know, Joshua told me some stuff about you.”

“Yeah?”

“Mhm. I don’t know really need to know all the details. But I think you just like ignoring the fact that you’ve got _a lot_ of shit to unpack about your best friend,” Minghao states, running his thumb along Soonyoung’s bottom lip gently.

“Wow,” Soonyoung says after a long heavy pause. Minghao’s thumb slipping against his chin when he speaks. “Your Korean is surprisingly good, you speak it really well. Can you actually talk dirty in Korean?”

 

 

 

If Xu Minghao could talk him down within an interesting thirty minutes of knowing Soonyoung, then Wonwoo is by all means right.  

“Yeah yeah yeah, I got it,” Soonyoung says, waving a hand at him the next morning when Wonwoo comes over to his apartment to pick up Soonyoung for a radio schedule. “You’re right, Wonwoo. I’ll be the bigger person, before I break.”

Wonwoo blinks twice. “Okay. That’s great? Though you might wanna”— Wonwoo gestures weakly to Soonyoung’s head and neck, lips pursed at the hickeys still slightly visible underneath the foundation and concealer. “I’ll get Kyungwon,” Wonwoo decides and Soonyoung pales at the thought of Kyungwon’s sharp agitated voice drilling into his head this early while she‘ll spread out a range of turtlenecks for him to wear.

He's still feeling like death when his phone lights up. When he opens the notification, he closes his eyes. Wonders if he can bury himself alive when he reads the messages:

 **_kwon hoshi_ **  
_01:08: seokuuu_  
_01:09: seokminnie_  
_01:10: shua hyugn invited you here but yknow we're pretty bummed you couldn't make it to this afterparty open event thing...._  
_01:16: haha sike it's rly me bummed,, i can't stop fuckin thinking about your solo, and a sick part of me wishes it was still about me because i think about kissing you,, wonwoo toldme to be the bigger person so i dont eat my heart out about you so this is me being the bigger person. please dont be sad anymore._  
_01:17: hehe bigger_

 **_seokminnie_ **  
_07:15:_ _hyung? were you drunk?_

Wonwoo peers at the phone screen, a slow smirk spreading onto his face when Soonyoung hands it over to him (cowers and tosses it to him like it's a hot potato, really) when it pings with another message from Seokmin.

He's silent for about thirty seconds before he says, "Well firstly this is the most you've ever texted anybody, in my months of knowing you. And secondly," Wonwoo continues, looking up at Soonyoung. "He wants to see you, when you're free."

Soonyoung stares. "Can you make that happen right now?" He tries, smiling with his cheeks rounded.

Wonwoo's face hardens and he drops Soonyoung's phone onto his lap with a flat "Nope."

 

 

 

 

"Yes, I was drunk," Soonyoung starts to explain the moment he walks in through Seokmin's front door when both he and Seokmin finally find the time between both of their schedules days later to have Soonyoung come over to his new house in Itaewon.

"I can tell. You've never texted anyone that much," Seokmin tells him. He chews on his lip watching Soonyoung take a seat onto the couch. "So, I should probably tell you, that the song isn't all about you. I mean it is! Some of it," he says quickly when Soonyoung pales and opens his mouth.

"Some of it?"

Seokmin scratches his head. He sinks down on the armchair near the couch. "Jihoon hyung had the theme of it picked out already, and some of the words were just kind of, like gathered from the stuff he's told me. His experiences that I used to start writing. And then, throughout the whole day I was writing it, I did think about you a lot," he admits, red blooming in his cheeks.

"Oh."

"I thought you never noticed, how much I liked you back then," Seokmin says quietly, leaning forward so his elbows rest on his knees and he hangs his head forward.

Soonyoung gulps down the golf ball-sized lump in his throat. "I kind of did. But I was too relieved that  _you_ never noticed that I liked you back."

"Wait. Why didn't you say anything?" Seokmin asks, and there's hurt flashing over his face before it passes, and his shoulders sag in understanding. 

"But could we have? Back then?" Soonyoung says. "I mean, I  _left_. I didn't want that to get in the way of things if we ever—you know." All those years spent in friendship in a bizarre honeymoon stage. The tame gay chicken over the teenage years together. The residue of feelings that built up from wanting to stay Seokmin's favorite person. Those selfish moments where he'd fantasize ways on how to kiss Seokmin, probably do more, and they could maybe laugh it off right after. And still, Soonyoung thinks it wouldn't have been for the best, if things had happened when they were younger. Soonyoung made a lot of decisions by impulse, but with work, his friends, and most especially with Seokmin, he'd always been careful. With Seokmin, things were always careful.

"Yeah I know," Seokmin mutters. "I wrote my solo thinking maybe I could get over you."

Soonyoung's breath hitches involuntarily, a funny skipping in his chest. The damn song is still charting among the top 5 on Melon for it’s sixth consecutive week now, and when he's listened to it over and over, Soonyoung is convinced he’s going to go crazy. Between every oscillation and dip in the notes, and every line about longing and well wishes, Soonyoung would truly have to be dumb not to realize what he should do. 

"What if I don't want you to get over me? What if I hoped that you'd just y'know stay under me?" Soonyoung cringes at himself. "Ugh, my point being, I still like you. I'd still date you for your brilliant mind and your heart of gold. I told someone I just met and almost hooked up with that I wished I had taken the opportunity for a threesome with you," Soonyoung rambles, wringing his hands and burying his face in them while he sinks into embarrassment.

"Oh my  _god_ _._ You're crazy," Seokmin deadpans, after a few moments of mouthing at him like a goldfish. "Hyung, can I ask you out?"

Soonyoung drops his hands from his face. "You're crazy too if you still want to ask me out. I'll end up kissing you before our first date," he laughs weakly.

Seokmin shakes his head, beams at him so wide that it snipes through Soonyoung's chest, right through his heart. It's something Soonyoung hasn't felt in a while, the warm tender hope that makes him cup Seokmin's face in his hands and press his mouth against his, firm and sure.

 

 

 

 

 

So maybe Soonyoung’s future hypothetical autobiography could be titled “Needy”. Those one-word book titles always seemed effortlessly cool and mysterious if paired with an interesting enough cover, and he’d have to ask Jisoo about the word and its synonyms in English.

But anyway, _needy_ is what the voice in his head judges him with when they’re back at Soonyoung's studio apartment after the first real date, and Seokmin's tried to cage in Soonyoung against the wall in the hallway by the front door to try to be funny, but somehow ends up being the one that Soonyoung presses against, their positions switching. His breath hitches when Soonyoung trails his mouth against his neck, and when Soonyoung uses his teeth to graze the thin skin there, Seokmin lets out a full moan in his ear.

Soonyoung gives up trying to comprehend how hot it's getting him when Seokmin has a thigh slotted in between Soonyoung's leg. All Soonyoung can utter is "God, I love your thighs" against Seokmin's lips as he presses his fingers into Seokmin's hips and further down, feeling the movement of hard muscle. Soonyoung shamelessly ruts against his erection, hands squeezing into his thigh, and Seokmin's eyes get so dark at this.

"Yeah?"

"Always liked them. I mean, come on, these babies? You could crush me with them and I'd die happily." 

"You—no, please don't die," Seokmin snorts, starting to laugh while Soonyoung leans his forehead against his.

"I know. I'd have to tell the others first that we're uh seeing each other," Soonyoung says, tilting his head and going in for another kiss when Seokmin stills.

"We gotta tell them," Seokmin says, shaking Soonyoung by his slighter shoulders.

"Like what, now? Jihoon would call us up right away to demand proof. Let's save Jeonghan and Shua hyung the gloating for a little while longer."

"Dude, it feels like I'm going against a blood pact that happened at birth that I never knew about," Seokmin says, then grimaces at his own analogy. "That's disturbing, never mind."

"Yeah that is disturbing. Power to Jeonghan hyung's leadership, I guess," Soonyoung snickers, kisses Seokmin on the nose and the cheek. "Don't worry, we'll tell them," he adds when Seokmin stays quiet. "Hey, wanna know a secret? I wrote a song about you too," he says, his voice hushed.

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, I never let anybody listen to it. Wanted to keep it personal. But I can play it for you," Soonyoung suggests, lowering his arms from Seokmin's shoulder. But Seokmin hooks his arms tighter around Soonyoung, a firm hand at the small of his back like he doesn't plan on ever letting go. 

"I used to envy you for being able to write lyrics so well. I can't believe I'm even more turned on at the fact that you wrote me a song," Seokmin says, his face a warm red up to the tips of his ears, and Soonyoung takes that as a cue to kiss him again.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from this [song](https://open.spotify.com/track/3qNUnRoxy02gAbBaQQUsEN?si=ZLRI-yA2SRaiCQ3Mni8CfQ)
> 
> thank you to S for being my svt and kpop encyclopedia <3 i desperately need while writing
> 
> talk to me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/fractalkiss) & [cc](https://curiouscat.me/fractalkkiss)


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